he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
