We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
