you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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