I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we made out on top of his cat.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
