first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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