Plan B is the new Plan A
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
