If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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