Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
