I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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