Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
