Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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