proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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