alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
