At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
