you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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