Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".