Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
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I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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