I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
