I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
