i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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