This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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