Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
