your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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