I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
