she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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