Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
