Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
