If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
