Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
