just come out here and I will go home with you...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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