The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
