I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize