hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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