Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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