you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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