I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
