sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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