i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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