I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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