i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
