cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
