see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
