She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
