dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
