The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
