you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
