I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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