when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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