I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
