I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
