Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
