Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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