He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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