why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
