If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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