Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
