She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
