and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
