just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
