She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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