you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
